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Action Logic:
I had an alchemist-like experience through 8 years of introspection and dream analysis.
Inside of me, several selves coexist. Broadly, the progression and hierarchy of these selves mirror the stages presented in the "Seven Leadership Action-Logics". Furthermore, the influence exerted by each of these internal selves aligns with the proportions shown in that framework. In a way, it feels as if they synchronize with societal trends. Although it might be an illusion, it certainly feels like I adeptly switch between these selves depending on the situation and role I'm in.
Reference:【[PDF] Timely and Transforming Leadership Inquiry and Action: Toward Triple-loop Awareness | Semantic Scholar】 https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Timely-and-Transforming-Leadership-Inquiry-and-Starr-Torbert/9e770c9dbf926fb0eb29afa884598414300a8792#extracte
Transition:
Opportunist, Diplomat, Expert, and Achiever
I believe that I had completed the first four developmental stages (traditional type) - Opportunist, Diplomat, Expert, and Achiever - by the time I graduated from university. I enjoyed discussing solutions with my team through dialogue, and I started a business with a friend immediately after graduation.
Opportunities for short-term gains, akin to arbitrage, bring joy. Receiving a pay raise for the same job as yesterday is a delight. Smooth progress due to wielding power is pleasurable. Entrusting oneself in situations governed by highly reproducible laws brings comfort, and following rules is a means of self-preservation. Professional expertise is something both oneself and others can rely on. In a society where individuals compete, get trapped in the snare of perfectionism, and disdain each other, there is still joy in achieving one's goals. Not much has changed even now.
While I did receive referrals during the intriguing early phase of what would later be called a mega-startup, when there were only five employees, and I was also offered opportunities to research under a renowned professor, my reason for starting my own business was simple. I had a friend who entrusted me with a venture that had the potential to compete on a global scale. No other options provided me with a guaranteed authority to take on the world.
Individualist: Differences and Transformation since 2014.
In the winter of 2014, I began meditating around the time I started moving to the next stage after Achiever, as an individual. At that time, I felt discomfort in conversations with others. There was a gap between their words and the impressions I felt. Words like "expectation," "trust," "anxiety," and "relief" seemed to indicate entirely different emotions.
At that time, I was supporting an area where more than 70% of the buildings had been lost. It felt constricting, like twenty people eating in an eight-tatami room. Resources were scarce, and everyone just did what they could. I felt a strong sense of mission to help my family and fellow townspeople regain their "normal lives" after being affected by a sudden disaster, making it difficult to continue life as usual. This also meant being caught between various values, emotions, developmental stages, and occupational responsibilities. I was frequently overwhelmed by intense emotions and often wondered if they were truly my own. I believe I was experiencing emotional contagion. It was a process that made me reflect on the guiding principles of my life. I felt a mission to bridge one millennium with the next. I believed my work was a way of life, and I was prepared to conclude my career there. One day, inspired, I felt that a happy group can "sense its existence," "share pain and joy," and it's essential to establish personal boundaries.
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As mentioned in this book, I started to question the emotional beliefs and unspoken rules of others when their foundations were unclear. I became concerned when we were not adhering to the principles we professed. It felt like I was trapped, paralyzed by a myriad of dilemmas all at once. While engaging with everyone, I felt a difference with each person, and being an ally to everyone felt like being an ally to no one. I was taken aback to find unresolved parts of myself amidst a whirlwind of emotions that seemed to belong to no one. I was constantly plagued by the confusion of feeling like all these emotions had sprung from my own Pandora's box. Gradually, my strength of "taking action" diminished, my optimism faded, and I felt suffocated by a sense of obligation.
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I naturally began a self-work using introspection and Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions. I must have entered the redefinition phase. introspection became a daily routine for me. When I awoke, I endeavored to recall my dreams, seeking hints within them. Gradually, I began to perceive psychological shifts that were not consciously apparent before. This book recommends "awareness" work at this transition (to post-traditional behavioral logic).
During this developmental stage, I primarily referred to the 81 states of the Enneagram. I also drew guidance from Erikson and Jung. I recalled the antithesis I had heard before: Confucius's "unwavering" can also mean "without a frame."
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At this phase, I began to understand the importance of deeply empathizing with others' emotional contagions and sought ways to enhance my endurance to share in suffering. While I was aware of logical solutions to conflicts, I was inexperienced in the emotional aspects. I tried to heal the shared pain within myself and share that healing, attempting to resolve others as if through a mirror. Naturally, self-disclosure was paramount, and there was always a process of "acceptance." Furthermore, I began to emphasize the importance of continuously feeling anxiety, drawing parallels with cognitive-behavioral therapy and Morita therapy. I recognized the significance of psychological safety around this time.
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Strategist:Embracing Others. since 2018.
with the pandemic, I spent more time in introspection. I played with my emotional dog and primarily programmed in C with my emotionless computer, maintaining a state with minimal emotional contagion. I often prayed when hearing distressing news from urban areas. Using ChatGPT-4, I realized that I could bear thoughts I didn't want to put into words if I expressed them in ways other than my words.
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in 2023
I like test-driven development, and I feel that the ideas in "Action Inquiry" are natural in agile culture. When I tried to put my experiences into words, they connected one after the other. For me, emotional processing is procedural, like a function. These processes are similar to communication based on empathy, which is the core of "value judgment." To me, the recognition of value diversity, psychological safety, etc., are all recognized in this process.
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When all this was organized into a flowchart, I delved into Kafka's "The Castle" and stumbled upon concepts of existentialism, which brought to mind the Heart Sutra. Growing up, I was immersed in a culture where over 90% of the temples, primarily of the Soto sect, would recite this scripture during funerals. I took some time to reflect on concepts like emptiness and the void. On one particular day, I learned from GPT-4 that Wilber had resonated with similar sentiments. I felt a sense of relief discovering others who harbored similar thoughts, especially about developmental stages, metacognition, and a hypothesis that views evolution as a process of integrating conflicts at more advanced levels.
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The following night, while asleep, I began analyzing a dream within that very dream, and in that dream, I voiced opinions about my analysis. I was astonished that the "me" who was supposed to be asleep was engaging in metacognition. At that moment, I felt as if I had touched the void, a mystifying sensation. That day, mentally, physically, in thoughts and values, everything shifted. I found myself agreeing with Wilber's theory that even our own personal "meaning" and "value," which might seem pointless to others, is part of the universe's evolution, sublimating conflicts in a Hegelian manner.
The next day, after reconciling the "me" in the dream with the present "me," I decided to introduce others to a simple introspection step that merely points to sensations, as part of a role in life that felt like a job. Strangely enough, when I made this decision, my mood was optimistic, reminiscent of the protagonist in Kafka's "The Castle," who seemed to be destined to die without being understood by anyone.
A few days later, while comparing action inquiry, integral theory, and my experiences, I came across the conclusion of Dante's Divine Comedy in one of Wilber's works and looked up the plot. The concept that the hole created by the fallen angels' descent from heaven became hell, and the protruding mountain on the opposite side formed purgatory, resonated with my inner sense of "self." Although it feels like I'm thinking with my brain, there's a profound sensation, like a breath of fresh air flowing in my solar plexus, and beyond that, there's a place that feels like a black hole, which I describe as "where I belong." The next morning, upon waking, the "me" who had been engaging in the highest form of metacognition transformed into a "me" who observed with compassion. In the next instant, the back of my eyelids turned pure white, and I felt a warm, joyous sensation spreading from my chest to my head.
I once had a daydream where my vision expanded through an opening around my nose and mouth, as if peering into the world through half-closed eyelids. Since that time, I have begun to feel air above my forehead, marking a transition to engaging in analysis and thought within my dreams. It was as if the me who is asleep, the one who loses consciousness, was beginning to gain awareness, on the verge of being born into the world. I introspect and feel as though I have accomplished what I was meant to do in life, so I envision handing over this body and consciousness to another version of myself, an embryo-like presence gazing from the depths of the unconscious, stepping back to observe from the opposite side, with gratitude for the control I've had over my life. It was a curious sensation, resembling that of a parent, or more precisely, a pregnant woman.
For me, the 'me' who thinks, the 'me' who feels emotions surge, the 'me' who acts impulsively, the 'me' influenced by others, the 'me' who metacognitively takes the reins, and the 'me' who shows compassion towards the self I perceive, I've accepted that all of these are facets of who I am.
Now, I find myself in the purgatorial mountain at the depths of hell, where the fallen angels plummeted. Caught between the 'me' who continually conceals vulnerabilities like shame and sin, and the 'me' who has always observed from deep within, my interest is captivated by the ambiguity and fusion between the material and the mental, reminiscent of the Yin-Yang symbol.
In the realm of metacognition, I undoubtedly resonate with Ken Wilber's Vision-Logic. I have at some point experienced all the sensations described in Cook-Greuter's theory of ego development. For instance, during my "meditation to stop everything," I believe I am in a state akin to what is referred to as "mindlessness." The present moment flows seamlessly. I attempt to halt both thinking and not thinking. I cease both feeling and not feeling. Only sensations flow continuously without any conscious thought. A similar state might be likened to playing a well-practiced instrument or absentmindedly watching people pass by from a cafe window. I sense a cool breeze flowing towards the left and right of the top of my head. Images and sensations flow during this sleep-like state, similar to dreaming, without any retention in memory, and there's no backtracking of this flow.
For me, the current state of "self-transcendence" can simply be described as "spacing out." However, it's a refined form of spacing out that comes with developmental maturity. The maturity of my metacognition can be likened to "analyzing a dream story while still in the dream, and then critiquing that analysis with a higher level of metacognition." In such a spaced-out state, functions that make judgments about "meaning" or "value" are detached from the process.
参考:【自我の発達：包容力を増してゆく９つの段階／スザンヌ・クック＝グロイター】 https://integraljapan.net/articles/JTA2018EgoDevelopment.htm
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The method is summarized here.
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